Some time ago, I had an English exam where I pretty much had to write a short story within 45 minutes. It had to be about Australian Identity, and what it means to be a part of that identity.
I also had to write a similar thing for a sac several weeks before. Both loosely based on the same thing.
One specific thing I wrote in one was that to be considered Australian, you have to be a complete and utter asshole, make jokes all the time, tease people but in a joke way so that you're not serious.
I also wrote some things bout my own personal experiences with trying to belong in the Australian Identity. Being born of Greek heritage, the task seemed to be more difficult than I had imagined.
Pretty much every single time I try to belong in Australian Culture, I get bashed for it, and become disliked by everyone.

On myspace or facebook, I see a a lot of people uploading photos of parties and drunk people all the time. People making complete fools out of themselves for a laugh, and also making such photos public to everyone. In some photos, you may have someone bending over, and another person with their crotch area on the ass to make the situation look like ass fucking.
Very common, though I have also seen this amongst sober photos, suprisingly enough.
Several days ago, I uploaded a photo of myself and my boyfriend. I uploaded a few photos. Mostly nice ones where we look cute, and one funny one.
His hand is over my boob (we are completely dressed) and he has this expression on his face which is hilarious. Some people agreed with me that it was a funny photo and that there was nothing wrong with it.
Though days after uploading, one person complains and says they would rather not see a photo of me getting my boob squeezed, since it's considered to be more pf a private matter.
Guys squeeze girl's boobs all the time. Guys and girls who are together make stupid photos all the time. Yet it is wrong of me to do it?
A whole catastrophe begins, pretty much of two friends of mine arguing with me (whether or not they were completely serious is beyond me) and even attacking me, and saying things that really should not be mentioned on facebook.
One thing being how hairy I am... It's always been a touchy subject for me.
I was only trying to be funny. I didn't ever mean to be rude or anything or annoying. But I am still attacked anyways.
On the day where I needed all the support I could have, when my own boyfriend goes back to Canada, many miles away from me, my own friends decide it's a good idea to start up a facebook flame war.
I'm lucky I still had friends by my side who supported me, and still agreed that the photo was funny.

The photo has now been deleted, and now I'm questioning why things have to be like this.
I already accept the fact that I am in a long distance relationship, and have to deal with the fact that I won't be able to see my boyfriend for long periods of time. What I am questioning is why I should put up with this.
Supportive? I think not.

Today my boyfriend left to return to Canada. Since leaving, I've been crying at random periods of the day, and feeling shit.I didn't want to let him go. I ended up crying in his arms as I said goodbye to him, cried on the ride back home, and cried when I heard his plane fly over me.
I'm in a long distance relationship because I know it can work out with me and my partner. I would much rather be in a lasting relationship with him despite the distance than be with anyone else.
A lot of people that know I am dating him don't seem to realize how lucky they are that they can date people close to them and not worry about distance. They don't even know what it's like to be in a true long distance relationship.

Anyways, going back to the whole Australian Identity thing, a similar thing happens with whatever I do. It's pure irony.
It's one reason why I hate Australian people, and why I would love to move out of this country.

I don't know what to do anymore...

Today at school, a rather unusual incident happened in afternoon home group, involving a friend of mine.
He sat in the corner of the room, talking to a fellow schoolmate. He seemed okay at that point. I turned around to talk to my other friend, but when I was done talking to her, I turned back to face his direction, and he was sitting in the chair crying.
I felt bad... so I walked up to him to see what was wrong.
He refused to speak to me, or talk about the matter. He was shaking and cried while his face was hiding in his arms. I tried to comfort him.
I held him in my arms to calm him down a bit... But instead of thinking about what could possibly be wrong with him, I ended up thinking of myself doing something similar to Collin if he ever broke into tears in front of me. I would cuddle him and kiss him, and tell him everything would be okay.
But then, I just held him in a way that wouldn't be considered hugging. Just... comforting.

I had a free period five as well. Straight after home group. I had nothing to do, so I ended up bumming around J-block. As I was heading to my locker, I walked past A block, and saw him standing in one of the corridors, outside of a classroom.
I walked over to him to see how he was... I asked him if he was okay, and if he wanted to talk about his problems.
He told me, then broke down into tears.
I held him again with one arm. My face was turned away from him... Once again I thought about my baby, if he were to ever burst into tears in front of me. I had forgotten about everything else happening around me, and thought about him.
There were thoughts going through my mind, like the last few times I saw or heard my baby cry. I then released my friend, because my mind was completely focused on Collin.
My friend then sat down on the ground. A minute later, I joined him. We talked for a bit, and asked me about my relationship.
He asked me how many days until he was coming down now... I told him, and also mentioned a few times how I knew I would spend the rest of my life with him. He saw the smile on my face, and it made him happy too. He found it amazing how at such a young age, the love of my life found me.
He thanked me for helping him feel better and for showing that I cared. He then touched my hand, and all of a sudden I felt awkward. But I didn't say a thing.
Recently I felt extremely awkward when someone would try to hug me, especially if it was a guy. Though on the last day for year 12 students, I let a friend of mine hug me. I didn't really want to, but I did anyway to be friendly.
He was feeling better after that, and he went back to class, and I continued doing nothing in my free period.

That morning and the morning before when I was on webcam with Collin, I felt my heart beat faster, and I didn't want to say a thing. I just wanted to stare deeply into his eyes, tell him I love him and then kiss him.
Latey I have felt much closer to him... probably because I know that I'll be seeing him very soon.

I really cannot wait until I see him...

It's been stuck in my head all day, and over the past week. Sometimes, you just can't forget some things...

From the first day I ever spoke to you, I continuously thought to myself "No, I could never have him". I always knew, even from day one, that you were indeed someone special. Someone no one should ever take for granted. You listened to me as I was telling you my problems, and didn't act at all like a douche bag towards me even though you barely knew me.
Even from day one, you were perfect. In every way, you were just... wow.

Our time of "silence" when we couldn't speak to each other was hard to handle. I would often think of the past, and remember when we used to speak to each other a lot. When we lost contact, I continuously thought "I wonder how he's going. Is he even still alive?"
People thought you were dead... If you really were dead, I wouldn't be here, typing this.
I was suprised that you even remembered me when I made a facebook update, and you commented it asking where I had been. I didn't think you would even remember me. It makes me laugh sometimes how you were thinking of not leaving that comment, because you thought I wouldn't remember you either.
How could I forget such a kind and supportive guy, anyway? Also to mention the fact of how gorgeous he was. Even though I barely knew you in early July 2008, you showed me how much of a true friend you were.
I'm not just saying this.

During one of the most hardest times of your life, I felt really sorry for you. I really did. At times I felt helpless, even though all I wanted to do was to try and help you in any way I possibly could. I succeeded in being there for you whenever you needed someone to talk to, or someone to listen to you.
I always thought you deserved someone way better than the person you thought you were in love with. I hated seeing you be treated so horribly by such a heartless and deceiving bitch.
Though the relationship between you and your ex girlfriend did help me learn many things about relationships, myself, and how to deal with certain things.
Really, I can't thank you enough.
But during the time she was treating you horribly, I secretly longed for you...
I wanted to be in her shoes, except I wanted to take care of you. I wanted to listen to you, and help you. I wanted to do anything I could to help you, and to see the cute smile on your face.
But she was somehow luckier than me, and had you to herself... I was secretly jealous, because she had the man I thought I could never have.
Jealous because here I was, stuck with an asshole who treated me badly, while you were in the grasp of someone else who treated you equally as bad, but you couldn't seem to realise it.
I am relieved that you pulled through it all though. What you went through was hard.

But I refused to admit anything to you. My feelings were kept a secret for a long time. I was obsessed with someone else the same time you were obsessed with her anyways. Like you, I thought it was silly to have feelings for someone else. I thought I belonged with another man, the same way you thought you belonged with her.
It was because of you that I stayed strong though. When my heart broke, I could feel myself love you more, but I refused to show this.
I honestly believed that if she put her mind to it, you two would last forever, and you would be happy for eternity. All I wanted in the end was for you to be happy, since you were the only thing I cared about at that point.
I lost all hope in everything else, even my chances of ever being with you. I didn't want to see you miserable, I just wanted you to be happy.

Honestly, it felt like a second heartbreak when I heard she dumped you again. I still remember how hurt you were. Out of all people, you came to me crying. If I wasn't so far away at the time, I would have held you and wiped your tears away. I felt the same pain you were feeling, not just because I experienced the same pain a month before you did.
I tried my hardest to make you happy over the following weeks, because I just wanted to see that cute smile on your handsome face again.
You never deserved to feel the way you did; the feeling that you were never good enough for her. Really, you were too good for her. She was never worthy of you. You always deserved someone way better than her, and I always hoped that I could be that person to make you feel better.
Though, it was only after I did that horrible thing one night at one in the morning when I realized there truly was something between us.
That's why I wanted to be in a fake relationship with you, because I thought it would be the closest thing I could ever have to a real relationship...
I was never expecting you to ever ask me the epic question "Is it wrong of me to say I love you?". It is a quote I will remember forever.
I will also never forget when you first said you were in love, and the way you were looking at me after you said that when you were on webcam.
Finally, the heart that had stopped beating and was covered in stitches and wounds healed up, and started beating again... It feel great.

I never thought that the forum troll, aka "The Goat" would end up making a huge impact on my life for the better. I never even thought a single person from 'Children of Bodom Off-Topic' would even like me!
But here we are now... I still can't believe that after everything you went through, you say that I am the love of your life. You do so much for me and helped me a lot during the hardest times of my life, and it's left me forever in your debt.
Never in my life have I ever felt so wanted... Out of every girl in the universe, you chose me despite the long distance between us.
You even chose me over the French girl who fucked up your feelings earlier on in our relationship... Even when we have major problems between us, you still stick by me, and keep the same promises you made when we first got together.

Even when I write all this, it is no where near as sweet as all the romantic things you say to me in English or French.
I try my hardest for you to tell you my truest and deepest feelings.
Also to this day, I just keep falling deeper in love with you, even though you are all mine...

Hold me tight, and never let go. I always loved you, I love you now, and I will love you forever.
Collin McGee, I will love you forever and always.

I can promise you that. <3

For some reason, I decided to read through some old chatlogs and stuff, and when reading a few things, I decided to have a little repository of ironic or stupid quotes for keep sake.
I also added in my own thoughts as notes about a few things on the bottom of each quote.

If I feel like it, I'll add more as I keep going through the logs.

Session Start: Tuesday, 14 April 2009
(8:38 PM) † Collin †: I see, according to facebook you like emo boys lol1
(8:38 PM) † (f) T h a t C: LIES!!!
(8:38 PM) † Collin †: lol1
(8:39 PM) † Collin †: gothy metal girls are the best
My notes: =D

Session Start: Sunday, 19 April 2009
(1:57 PM) † Collin †: I could tell you something interesting
(1:57 PM) † (f) T h a t C: do tell
(1:57 PM) † Collin †: loooooong ago
(1:57 PM) † Collin †: I know this is stupid but
(1:57 PM) † Collin †: pretty much a year ago almost
(1:57 PM) † Collin †: I had a very small crush on you
(1:57 PM) † Collin †: I know it's silly but yer
(1:57 PM) † (f) T h a t C: haha really?
(1:57 PM) † Collin †: yeah
(1:57 PM) † (f) T h a t C: cute. =P
(1:57 PM) † Collin †: but I thought it was really silly for me to feel that way
(1:58 PM) † Collin †: so I just forgot about it
(1:58 PM) † (f) T h a t C: it's not silly. at all.
My notes: I find this really adorable, because of the period of time this happened, and what happened exactly a month later. ^.^

Same day...
(2:22 PM) † Collin †: anyways
(2:22 PM) † Collin †: you'll find a guy who is much better than he ever would be
(2:22 PM) † (f) T h a t C: eh... someday.
(2:23 PM) † Collin †: you will
(2:23 PM) † Collin †:it just takes time
(2:31 PM) † (f) T h a t C: hmmm
My notes: Once again, a month later.

Session Start: Monday, 6 April 2009
(7:13 PM) † Collin †: you're late again! lol1
(7:13 PM) † (f) T h a t C: OHAI, yes i am. hehe
(7:14 PM) † Collin †: what happened?
(7:14 PM) † (f) T h a t C: just had dinner, and was playing wow as all...
(7:14 PM) † Collin †: if it involves vaseline and bananas
(7:14 PM) † Collin †: then I don't wanna know
(7:14 PM) † Collin †: ooh ok
(7:14 PM) † (f) T h a t C: no, it involved an avocado and monkey grease.
(7:14 PM) † Collin †: oh
(7:14 PM) † Collin †: my
(7:14 PM) † Collin †: god...
My notes: This is only here because it cracked me up. :3

Session Start: Sunday, 5 April 2009
(10:30 PM) † Collin †: I doubt any other girl would've stayed that dedicated for THAT long
(10:30 PM) † Collin †: especially when living sooo far away too
(10:31 PM) † Collin †: 6 months is a long time to stay dedicated
(10:31 PM) † (f) T h a t C: indeed
(10:31 PM) † Collin †: no other girl would've ever done the same
(10:31 PM) † Collin †: so it proves she truely loves me
My notes: What makes me laugh is how she did what she did, and here me and Collin are, three months into the relationship, loving each other more each day and only getting stronger.

(10:25 PM) Jess: btw, im assuming that u in ur dp, ur pretty
(10:25 PM) † (f) T h a t C: yes that's me
(10:25 PM) † (f) T h a t C:and no i'm not. but thanks anyway. haha
(10:25 PM) Jess: yes u are!!!
(10:25 PM) † (f) T h a t C: lies.
(10:26 PM) Jess: lol ur pretty and u pull of dark and mysterious. i can only look pissed off
*~*~*
(5:08 PM) E: that reminds me!
(5:08 PM) † (f) T h a t C: hmmm?
(5:08 PM) E: when you first had a picture of yourself on msn when I introduced you to Jessica
(5:09 PM) E: I remember her saying that you looked even with her
(5:09 PM) † (f) T h a t C: what is that supposed to mean?
(5:09 PM) E: she thinks you looked equally as good as her
My notes: Obvious liecake is obvious.

(6:06 PM) E: all the songs are practically over a year old at least though
(6:06 PM) † (f) T h a t C: hmmm
(6:07 PM) † (f) T h a t C: =O
(6:07 PM) † (f) T h a t C: >.>
(6:07 PM) † (f) T h a t C: <.<
(6:07 PM) E: wut?
(6:07 PM) † (f) T h a t C: i like the music =P
(6:07 PM) E: oh that's cool
(6:07 PM) † (f) T h a t C: =D
(6:08 PM) E: ^.^;;
My notes: This was the first time I ever listened to Elderoth. I was being very honest. :3

(9:14 PM) Caught In A Web: did you think it's a bad thing?
(9:14 PM) Caught In A Web: =o
(9:14 PM) † (f) T h a t C: no =P
My notes: Honestly, that meant nothing. I just found it funny when I read over that.

This one pisses me off, because I realised that I never told Collin about it... >.<
(7:13 PM) Jess: Im just worried about what will happen if Dean does by some weird chance ask me out. what ill do. Cause like i love Collin to bits but things havnt been smooth for a long time, but i couldnt hurt dean either. So overall im fucked up
(7:13 PM) Jess: Dooont tell Collin that tho, i dont want him to worry
My notes: Wow. Seriously. I was gonna tell him anyways, if other shit going on in my life didn't force me to forget about it. **facepalm**

(9:25 PM) Jess: im trying to end it on a good note
(9:26 PM) † (f) T h a t C: you can try...
(9:26 PM) Jess: yeah
(9:26 PM) Jess: i just dont want him to completely hate me
(9:26 PM) † (f) T h a t C: he won't.
My notes: There is only one abbreviation I wanna say. LOL!!!

(9:33 PM) Jess: ha
(9:33 PM) Jess: well chose the stupidest way didnt i?
(9:35 PM) † (f) T h a t C: ehhh...
(9:35 PM) † (f) T h a t C: the stupidest way is to not tell him anything, and keep playing along with it.
(9:36 PM) Jess: oh ok
(9:36 PM) Jess: well i havnt done that
(9:36 PM) † (f) T h a t C: yes. so you didn't do it the stupid way.
My notes: True, you didn't do it THE stupid way... but you did do it A stupid way. :3

(5:22 PM) Jess: ahhh some random has my no :S
My notes: FUCKING GOOD FOR YOU.

(1:39 PM) Jess: yeah. but dean and i are just friends. and i doubt dean would ever like me. not that thats relevant. i love collin
(1:40 PM) † (f) T h a t C: collin is scared that you and dean might become more than friends.
(1:40 PM) † (f) T h a t C: thats what he tells me
(1:40 PM) Jess: i doubt it. i really do
(1:41 PM) † (f) T h a t C: you should tell him that then.
(1:41 PM) Jess: i did
(1:41 PM) Jess: i think he ignores it
(1:41 PM) † (f) T h a t C: hmmm
My notes: You doubt it? Would have been definite if Dean even KNEW YOU WERE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

(5:43 PM) † Collin †: I'll cook
(5:43 PM) † Collin †: clean
(5:44 PM) † Collin †: drive you
(5:44 PM) † Collin †: buy you things
(5:44 PM) † Collin †: anything
(5:44 PM) † (f) T h a t C: he would do anything for you Jess.
(5:44 PM) Jess: I know 0o
My notes: NOW WHO IS THE LUCKY GIRL HE WILL DO ANYTHING FOR, HMMM???

(8:25 PM) Jess: DAMMIT i miss Collin soooo muuuuch
(8:25 PM) † T h a t C: awww
(8:26 PM) Jess: Im so surprised he likes me. Like hes so nice and hot i thought that hed have no probs getting nice girls over there!
(8:26 PM) Jess: Im sooo luky
(8:26 PM) † (f) T h a t C: haha
(8:26 PM) † (f) T h a t C: you are indeed very lucky.
(8:26 PM) † (f) T h a t C: i would love a guy like him, to be honest...
(8:27 PM) † (f) T h a t C: but i won't steal him from you. haha
(8:27 PM) Jess: Id fight you anyways lol
(8:27 PM) † (f) T h a t C: haha
(8:27 PM) Jess: Im not letting him go
(8:27 PM) † (f) T h a t C: don't.
(8:28 PM) † (f) T h a t C: it'd be a really stupid thing to do.
(8:28 PM) Jess: I know!
(8:28 PM) Jess: Like, hes that 1 in a lifetime guy
My notes: so... why did you let him go? Ironyyyyyy,

All day today, I was thinking about a dream I had last night.
It was the kind of dream that I knew I have had before, but in a different way.
So just now as I was eating my doritos, I continued thinking about this dream, the dream I had in the past and two others I remembered...

What was it even about?
I finally see my boyfriend from Canada. He's sitting in the living room of my house, taking a nap on the couch while I finish up on something.
I was looking at my worst in this dream... in my pajamas (an over-sized nightie) and messy hair.
When I'm done, I walk in, and gently caress his cheek. He wakes up, and there was a big smile on his face. He hugs me tightly, and there we share our first kiss together.
What was really interesting is how I actually felt that kiss in my dream. Even now, I still remember how it felt.
Let me tell you, it felt so goddamn amazing!!!

But this dream reminded me of another one I had in the past...
One I had in early December.
In this one, I was looking at my best. I was dressed pretty decently.
I was with my ex boyfriend (he was still my ex at the time, since we never officially got back together)
We were walking along together, talking away about random things. At one point he even held my hand.
Then there is just silence between us for a minute.
All of a sudden, we stop. He turns to me, kisses me, then turns away, saying "Yeah, that's better." as if after the kiss, he wanted no more of me.
During that dream, I too felt the kiss...

I know that both dreams have their own meaning to them, and were supposed to act as some sort of guide in life, shall we say.
A guide that I refused to follow. **facepalm**
The first one, we both have mutual feelings for each other, and are both really happy to see each other. It was obvious that there were no sad endings.
The other however is the opposite. It seemed that he didn't care about me at all, and didn't even care if it was me with him. As long as it was someone he could get physical with.
I should have figured. It's like this dream was a code for "don't go there; he doesn't care about you. He just wants some physical action."
Yeah... I should have listened to this dream. **rolls eyes**

The thought of these two contrasting dreams also reminded me of another two dreams I had.
They were basically the same thing, except with different endings.
In both, I was running away from a violent menace, who is chasing me and trying to hurt me.
I'm talking about full on physical hurting... bashing me. They were also trying to make me cry and feel guilty about everything that's wrong in their life.
So I just keep running...
The first time i had this dream, I was running to someone, but never made it to them.
Yet the second time, I'm running to someone different. I make it to them, and they help me feel better, and make me feel secure again, just by crying in his arms.
First time, I was running to the ex. Second time to my boyfriend.
Interesting factor however, a similar thing happened to me in real life, where I was running to the ex, but I never made it.
I took a bus and train all the way to his house, but he wasn't home, even though I sent him an email earlier that day, asking if I could come over.
Makes me wonder if and when the second one will become reality, and how that one will end...

Just some things I was thinking about today...
I don't want anymore nightmares. I want more happy dreams about my baby.

Errrrrrmmmmm......

I haven't updated this nukka in over 5 weeks. And I have absolutely no idea what to write about.
I am currently sitting in music class, listening to other students play their instruments.
This is the one time where I get to sit in class for 2 periods straight on a computer, e-mailing my boyfriend.
But unfortunately he isn't online right now. He was supposed to be online earlier, but he wasn't.
He asked for me to be online, but he wasn't there.
Oh well... I can understand why. :3

Sooo, I am supposed to be singing today in my music class...
I really don't want to sing a song from my prescribed list, because I'm in no fucking mood!
I would rather sing Enter Sandman again than a song from the VCE list, even though I am so fucking sick of singing Enter Sandman!!!
Yes, a girl singing Metallica. It blows some people away when I sing it, apparently.
They think it's awesome, but... Eh.

Hmmm... No idea what to write about...
I could go on and on about Collin and write a whole entry about him, but I have little time to do that right now. :3
I can save that for another time. Besides, I've already written heaps about him anyways.
Like every single e-mail I send him.
He thinks I'm cute, BUT I AM NOT, DAMMIT!!!
HE'S CUTER!!!
I'm just trying to be cute, making our arguments ironic. But is it not cute? :3

I have nothing else to write about.
Well, this is my first entry in 5 weeks, what do you expect?
Deal with it.

:3

I was too scared that I wouldn't be able to live through the 8th of July this year.
Well, I lived, and I was happy by the end of the day!
Sooo, YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

^.^

Probably expecting a bitchy entry. Not tonight. I'm on temporary hiatus again. =]

Enjoy your life. ^.^

I dunno... I've had this song stuck in my head since I got off the phone last night...

It is a pretty damn beautiful song, along with many other Symphony X songs.

Go figure.

Your eyes, singing to me sweet lullabies
while you lay there in submission
Forbidden desire
alone in the moonlight hearts afire -
burn away our inhibitions

When the stars lose their fire
And night steals the morning away
Forever and a day
I will stay - I will stay here with you my love

Sacrifice, a heartbeat away from paradise
All my reason's giving way to temptation
Fear and Shame - looking for someone else to blame
We're devoured by these fruitless accusations

With every fleeting breath I take
Maybe our love was a mistake
Eternal life - I'd trade it for
One moment beside you...

When the stars lose their fire
And night steals the morning away
Forever and a day

When the stars lose their fire
And night taked the morning away
Forever and a day
I will stay - I will stay here with you my love

First of all...

It is currently 5:30 in the morning.
I'm not really that tired, but I am sure craving a coffee...
My plan is to not sleep tonight at all, so in the morning I can complete some craps due in at 4 in the afternoon.
And I'm dying to see someone's username appear on the bottom of my screen, indicating to me that they have come online.
Even though I know they are working at the moment...

At five in the morning I'm waiting for someone to come online?
They're working at five o'clock in the morning?!?
It's possible!!!
>.>
<.<
What do YOU know? :3

Though... what have I really been thinking?
What does the future hold?
This is a topic that quite frightens me, because I never know what is going to happen until the time comes.
What frightens me more is when I make certain premonitions about things.

I've made a few recently... but it didn't suprise me that I made them.
I've been following that saying "what goes around comes around"...
And yeah, it came around alright.
Not to me though. Haha.

Although I do feel a little bad about certain things...
Yet people are telling me that I shouldn't feel bad about anything. I was the one who got hurt certain months ago, I shouldn't give a shit.
It's not in my heart to do that...

Eh. It's given me an idea to put into my "autopsy" as I like to call it.
And the progress on that thing? Don't ask.
Both Collin and I are very interested to see how it ends though...
Heheh >=D

Though... I have to admit.
I honestly haven't felt as happy as I am now.
Ever.
Even though there are certain things I am not satisfied with that must change (for BETTER!!!) I am still pretty damn happy...
I have found something I thought I was going to spend my whole life looking for...
In a way, they found me.
Honestly, I couldn't be happier until the day comes when the patience becomes worth it all.

"From now until whenever, It will seem like forever...
But it will be worth it all in the end..."

A little something I wrote for him... ^.^

Yeah, I haven't got much to write... just a few thoughts I had that I wanted to put down.

Oh, and this is just something to humiliate Collin...
I bet he won't remember it until I bring it up to him. XD
www.ultimatemetal.com/forum/cob-off-topic/387620-dude-im-totally-alone-my-house-whats-first-thing-i-should-do-xd.html

This is also to humiliate him. I never realised I was the first to reply... haha!!!
www.ultimatemetal.com/forum/cob-off-topic/362364-goat-dead.html

Oh COBOT... How I miss you.

... A day I will never forget.

Who was I a year ago?
I was a stupid teenager, and nothing else.
A stupid teenager desperate for a change in her life, and she got it on this day in 2008.

it was a year ago when I went to Luna Park for the first time in my life.
A year ago when I lost so much self respect.
... when I gave away my first kiss.
... where I let someone else have possession of me.
... when I first had a boyfriend...

... One that wasn't worth the pain and suffering I went through.

I was just a stupid teenager who thought she had fallen in love.
I was too scared to admit that Motley Crue was right.
"Too Young To Fall In Love' wasn't just a song name, it's a fact.
I was too young to fall in love.
But for many months I was believing otherwise.

Why was I so crazy about someone who wasn't worth the tears I cried?
Why was I so obsessed with the person who was only out to hurt me?
Why didn't I ever listen to the little voices in my head that were telling me these facts?
He was never worth the pain.
He was never worthy of the love I had to give.
I could have given it to someone else, but I chose him.

Out of all people... the one who betrayed me and lied to me.
Out of all people, I gave my time, love and effort to a selfish traitor.
The person who only ever wanted to see me get hurt in the end.

Buddy boy, you got your fucking wish.

Oh, but still. I could never hate you.
But I can still get pissed off at you for hurting me the way you did.
Some day you'll understand the pain.
And believe me, it won't be pretty...

Today? I don't need no amusement park to make me feel like a little child.
I don't need that physical body contact every freaking place we went.
I don't need no ferris wheel to have a first kiss on.
I don't need you traitor, making me feel alone.

All I need is to hear those words "I love you" from the one who can say them, and will mean it.

All I need to know is that he's there for me in some way, even if he's so far away.
As long as I know he loves me and will be there for me, I can survive through anything.
Nothing can bring me down...

Oh and by the way, it is now official. ^.^

There are so many things I want to change about this song to make it more satisfying to me.



Because I am such a maniac when it comes to metal, I will basically love any song if it's been changed to metal.
Does anyone remember the rock version of Cleaning Out My Closet by Eminem? You have no idea how psyched I was when I first heard that one!

First of all, if Anna Vissi didn't have a cold the night of her performance on Eurovision, she would have sounded a lot better. But the poor girl was sick, and couldn't really out stage Lordi, who had just performed before her.
Secondarily, I can't believe it is a rock ballad!
Also, this is possibly one of the few Eurovision entries I actually like, besides Lordi ofcourse, Eirikur Hauksson, and one of my favorite bands Teräsbetoni. The fact it comes from Greece is a big bonus for me.

The thing I would change about it? I don't care if Anna Vissi is 50 something years old, at least she can sing. But on this night, she couldn't unfortunately.
This song needs to be heavier. I can't stress that enough. It's too light for me, just like Evanescence. If both this song and Evanescence were metal, I would be one extremely satisfied metal head. =D
The lyrics needs to be more brutal. My favorite line is "I'm still in love... with Everything I hate." but I feel that more needs to be added to it. It's already a "I hate you, but love you" song, but I wish it turned more to the 'hate' side, honestly. >.>

Honestly, I don't know what to write in this thing anymore...
I'm looking forward to Wednesday though, when I have my job interview in the hole of Melbourne. Haha.

Also, if the music video was filmed in Greece, then WHY DO I FEEL THAT I'VE BEEN ON THE FREEWAY AND BRIDGE SHE WAS STANDING ON?!?!
lulz.

Some hiatus I'm taking. Haha.

Over the past few months, I have become deeply observant in people's behavior.
I think it started off back in November, when it became extremely hard for me to believe anyone.
Basically, upon my observation, I have come to a conclusion of sorts.

I had noticed people would say one thing, then mean the opposite.

Then again, I have noticed such thing happening for a while now... but it never occurred to me that every single freaking person does this.

Loser: "Oh my god, Am I Blood suck! The dude screams the lyrics! Ewww!"
Non-Idiot: "Hey, have you heard Am I Blood's new album? it kicks ass! everyone loves it!"
Loser: "Oh yeah! It's awesome!!!"
A typical example, but I have never seen or heard such conversation like this before.

I can actually remember the same kinda thing happening to me about a year ago.
For Christmas that had just passed, I got Sebastian Bach's album "Angel Down" and to this day, I still believe it's a fantastic album made of WIN!!!
I was sitting on the train with a friend of mine, and started playing some tracks from that album to him on my (mwahaha!) Creative ZEN.
Don't want to be a conformist? Buy one!
I played the title track to him, and he's all like "Eh, I don't like his vocals. This album sucks."
Yet before that, every time he came to my house (TAHE THAT, PHATHEAD YOU ASSHOLE!!!) he would always be like "where's your Bach album? let's put in on! Yeah, this rocks!!!"
Erm... don't say it's a taste change. Because he still listened to all the same crap from that point, even before so, to the day on the trains.
Obvious liar is a liar.

Okay, that may not be proof enough...
But my classic example is the (over)use of stupid abbreviations.
My biggest pet peeve when it comes to abbreviations is ILY!
In the group, I mentioned how I hated it when people said ily, since it's a cheap way of saying "I Love You".
My favourite: "An excuse to say "I Love You" without actually meaning it"
ANOTHER POINT TO ME!!! XD
A friend goes "eh, I hate it when they say "I Ily you!" because it makes no sense!!!"
Which it doesn't. I still agree with her.
Another friend says "yeah, I hate that abbreviation. It's so stupid"...

You know what's so ironic about that?
I go onto their profile, see the kinda comments they leave people, and what do they use?
"ILYS!!!" and so on.
They've left me a few comments, and when they are going off msn, they use 'ily'
Even when I remind them about my hate for that abbreviation.
They say "yeah I know... I hate it too."
They still use it anyways.
But... they said to me they hated that abbreviation.
THEN WHY SAY IT?!?

Conclusion: you guys are either idiots or lying, conformist assholes.
But there is still some good in you... in some cases. I don't know.
Prove it.

FUCK YOU!!!! >=D

I saw this on Maddie's myspace profile, and figured it had relevance to this.
Also, I liked the way Bob said it...
So i copied and pasted it to here, because I like this quote alot.
"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there." — Bob Marley

Okay, I admit.
My last entry WAS alittle too harsh, but I was in an angry/cheesy mood at the time, and needed to get it off my chest.
I feel bad about it... So, eh...

But I speak from my heart with this.
As cheesy as that sounds.

And this is the LAST time I'm gonna write about this. Because honestly, I have had enough.
If you hate me, then tell me.
I can't put up with these lies anymore.

Brace yourselves, this is gonna be a loooooooong one...

First of all, no. I don't HATE you.
Even though you hurt me in such a vulgar way (can't think of any better word) I could never hate you for it.
Sometimes I wish I could, but I can't...

What makes me so pissed off is the fact that you can't give a shit about me.
All I ever cared about was you being happy, but you wouldn't ever tell me anything.
You were unhappy with the way things were, and you never told me this was the case.
You never told me that you wanted a change in our relationship.
If I knew that this was going on, I would have tried to help.
I would have done the best I could to make things better for us.
Hell, I tried anyway. Yet I failed.
But it was too much for you to do in return?
This is why I started questioning if you really meant the things you said to me.
And because of this, I started losing interest.
BUT I TOLD YOU ANYWAYS.
But I wasn't good enough for you to tell me you were not satisfied with anything?

Face it. You don't give a shit about me.
You never even LOVED me...
You only thought you did. But I was dumb enough to believe you when you said you did.
You said you would do anything for me, but you lied to me.
Do you have any idea how much that hurt?
Obviously not, because you still hurt me in the end.
Still betrayed me.
You said you did care... If you did, then why did you betray me?

Because you hurt me, I found it hard to speak to you.
I lost all my trust in you.
I sometimes wish I could stop caring, but I can't... I still care about you.
But why don't you give a shit about me?
Calling me a dickhead behind my back, after EVERYTHING YOU DID?
(Laurence told me that. haha)
I should be the one calling you a dickhead.
Why am I the dick? I have every right to be pissed off with you.
Sure, say to yourself "get over it..."

Guess what. I can't.
The first boy I ever loved treated me so horribly...
What did I do to deserve it?
One day you tell me you love, then the next you somehow "fell out of love"...
Two weeks later you ask someone else out, after you said to me that you did NOT want to love right now.
You obviously do! You just didn't want to love me!
And you say that you do understand how I feel, because similar happened to you?

No... you don't understand.
Because you still did it anyways.
You never considered my feelings at any point.
Never considered even telling me anything, when all I wanted was to hear what was on your mind.
I did the best I could for you, but it was never enough.
You turned out no greater than your ex girlfriend.
Sorry to say it, but it's true.
Why can't you consider my feelings?
Why do you purposely piss me off?
Okay, maybe I over-reacted last time we talked to each other with that phone incident, but I hated the thought of seeing you talk to the woman who you dumped me for.
Which in the end turned out not to be her.
But still... the thought of it killed me.
I never said that you could never use the phone! I just didn't want to see it, so I signed off to avoid an argument.
But apparently, I'm a dick head for doing that...

Though that incident aside, you still purposely piss me off.
When you showed me that half naked photo of her on webcam.
That just went TOO far!
You have absolutely no idea how pissed off you made me.
Yet you would continuously talk about her on the phone, even though i said I didn't wanna hear anything about her.
Are you honestly that cruel?!?!
Do you hate me that much?
So why do you do these things?
What did I ever do to you to deserve this treatment?
I don't understand why you hate me so much.
Okay, I also admit it wasn't right for me to write that extension of my "FUCK HAMILTON" in my personal message.
But I was pissed off when i wrote it, and I kinda forgot about it...
I also did it for abit of a laugh. It did cheer me up in some ways.
I've taken it out now, because I too think it was stupid of me to write that...
I'm over that now.

All I ever wanted was you to love me the same way I loved you.
But I wasn't good enough for you...
Why? Because I wouldn't let you have sex with me when you wanted it?
Or the fact it was impossible for us to do so?
Because you were too lazy to do anything for me?
Because I lacked freedom?
All of the above?
We could have had our work arounds with a little bit of effort, but no...
You had to let your friend get into it, bring someone else into it, and fuck up everything we could have had.

If you truly did love me, you would have done that ONE SMALL TASK I wanted you to do...
And don't you fucking dare say "It's been done!" because that just proves that you honestly don't give a shit about me.
Which you don't... Don't bother trying to convince me otherwise.
Because if you did care, you would have thought things over, you would have told me what was going through your mind, you would have wanted to work things out, and we both could have been happy...

But no.
You don't need ME to be happy...
You never loved ME for who I AM.
I would like you to prove that you did... because you didn't.

The only reason why I'm not talking to you right now is because if I do, I will just keep getting pissed off at you.
I don't want that to happen, because I probably would start hating you otherwise... or you'll start hating me if you don't already.
I need my space from you...
Time to clear my head.
Though at the same time I want this to sink in...
I want you to realize how much you have hurt me, without being a dick about it.
You don't show any sign that you care, because you obviously don't.

So you can realize what a horrible mistake you have made.
You may be happy with life right now, but if something happens along the way, whatever it may be...
I am NOT gonna be your second resort.
And you will never EVER find another girl like me...

You had your chances.
You blew them.
The blood is on your hands.
It may not bother you now... but it will some day...

Trust me. It will.

And if you do hate me, I want you to say it.
I can't put up with your lies anymore.
All I wanted was for you to be honest with me, but you couldn't.

Oh, and one more thing...
Like I said, I don't hate you.
But I don't want anything to happen to you.
Because I still care about you, and I do want you to be happy.
Even if being happy means you don't need me...
Which you don't.

Atleast one of us will be happy that way... =[



Talk to you when I'm ready to talk to you again... That won't be for a while.

Sure, the last two months haven't been the greatest... but it has made me stronger, and in some ways, smarter.
I have been thinking alot over the last few days.
Over thinking everything that has happened to me in the past 5 months, and have come to a couple of conclusions...
And decisions for that matter.

Afew days ago, I was sitting on the computer, staring at my contact list blankly on my creepy metal head account.
I was in really deep thought about everything, while trying to work out why I was feeling the way I was.
At the time, I felt alittle down... Not quite depressed, but not in a good mood either.
Without really thinking about what I was doing, I opened the contact list on my webmistress/private account, right clicked on three contacts and deleted them.
I had all three accounts on block, and for some people, the reason why they were blocked was unclear.
I had my reasons... and I decided I was better off not even worrying about it.
I just had the thought "I don't wanna speak to them now... Maybe I'll return in a few months." going through my head.

Ever since, I've felt great.
I'm not depressed at the moment, I'm actually smiling, and it feels awesome.
And I don't even have a boyfriend...
I haven't felt as happy as I am now in a long time...
And I do mean a LOOOONG time!

Sure it's not the best kind of happy, but it's something other than depression.
Which is awesome for me.

Throughout the last few days I've been remembering things people have been telling me over the past year.
It's gotten me thinking about why such things happened.
And I came to this conclusion...

When I was told "I Love You" over these past months, it was a total lie.
Ofcourse one will disagree.
"No, I really did love you!"

Truth is...
They THOUGHT they loved me, when really they don't know what "love" is.
If one truly did "love" me, then I would be in a totally different state of happy.
But this wasn't the case.
Them saying they did love me only ended up making me feel worse.
Why? Because they weren't doing anything to prove to me they loved me.
Because they didn't. They THOUGHT they did.
if they really did, then they would have gotten off their lazy ass to make things work.
But they didn't wanna do anything...
If you loved someone you would do anything for them.
You wouldn't lie to them or hide things from them.
If something wasn't working out, you would try your best to make things work.
But they didn't want things to work. Otherwise they would have done something about it.
I tried, even if I failed...

In short, I was lied to for over three months, because they thought they "loved" me, when really it was pretty damn obvious that it was a lie..
Yet I was stupid enough to fall for such lies.
So my efforts weren't good enough for him, and it was excuse for him not to bother.
Okay, whatever you selfish asshole!
Because you obviously know what true love is!!!

No one knows what love is when they're still a teenager.
My friend who is 26 years old always says to me that no guy will know what the true meaning of love is until they reach their early 20's.
By that time, they will be over their hormones, won't be so sex hungry, and will actually want to commit.
GIRLS, DON'T BOTHER WITH GUYS AT THIS AGE!!!
That is all the advice I can give you, because you'll just end up being hurt in the end.
Guys, don't drop the L word, unless you know for certain that you are in love.
Which you don't. So don't bother.

This is one of the reasons why I avoided going out with guys in the first place.
I knew that if I "fell in love" I would only end up being hurt in the end.
And they said they didn't wanna hurt me...
So why did they.
Hmmm?

Makes me wonder... I could go on, but...
Fuck it.

Oh by the way... A treat for all of you.
It still needs afew tweaks, and a guitar solo.
It currently sounds like a tacky midi file, but that's because no recordings have been made yet.
I exported it as a .wav then converted it to an mp3 for everyone's listening pleasure.
www.box.net/shared/ajqct8jyau

^.^

I will never kick anyone out of my life forever if they played a major role in it.
But I can temporarily kick them out.

Some song lyrics I wrote up.
They progress over a period of time, from when I can't believe what has happened to me and I don't want things to change, to the point where I don't even wanna give a shit anymore.
This is however not my last goodbye... My last goodbye to this person will be when I die, or when they give me the boot out of their life.

Though, side note: lyrics sound a lot more brutal than how I truly feel... in some ways.

[Not My Last Goodbye by Nocturnal Scyon]
I cannot breathe, I cannot feel.
I've lost what meant everything to me.
How did this happen so suddenly?
I cannot move on. I can't let this be.
I'm lonely without you.
I can't live without you.
Do I still need you?
What do I see in you?

I gave up part of my life to care.
Did things I would never dare.
Is the thanks I get betrayal forevermore?
Why did you fill my head with lies?
A part of me inside will die.
I can't live without you like this anymore.

I wish I could sleep for eternity.
Instead of living a life that's meaningless.
I tried my best to make things right.
But you lazy ass works great with your selfishness.
But I will still care for you.
Do anything for you.
I could never hate you.
Though I dreamed that I killed you!

I gave up part of my life to care.
Did things I would never dare.
Why are you betraying me forevermore?
How did I fall for your lies?
A part of me is dead inside.
Could I live without you like this anymore?

I will never lie to you.
I will never betray you.
Though I will pray for you.
You don't understand, do you?!

I gave up part of my life to care.
Did things I would never dare.
How dare you betray me! Forevermore,
I won't put up with your lies.
All of me you loved will die.
I don't need you fucking up my life anymore!


MJT: Talk to you in a few months when what I'm expecting comes... ^.^
PBP: Can't wait to see you burn in hell. >=]

I've been in no mood to update this thing...
At the moment, it feels like the world is turning against me.
Nothing wants to go right for me.
I can't get my mind to focus on what's really important.

So yes. No updates on this thing until I feel better, or when I have something to write about.

For now? I'm too depressed...

Okay so...
Many of you know about my insanely long hatelist of doom, and how most of the people on there are not people I hate, but those who I just don't like.
Well, I think I'm going to make another one. A serious one, but this time instead of putting Micah as the number one person, I'm gonna put someone else's name first.
Actually, no... Micah stays. This person can go 2nd.

But I am SO CLOSE to sending hatemail... but I'm not that kind of person.
So I won't do it.

This is staying completely nameless.

There is so much I could say about this new person I hate, but I'm not gonna waste too much time talking about it.
Basically, asshole has fucked up everything for me.
They have fucked up the close connection I once had with someone that meant so much for me, and they wanted things to be bad for me.
They wanted me to be pissed off.
They fucked everything up for me, and brought themselves into a situation which had nothing to do with them.
By doing that, they decided to tamper with how things were, and make things shit for me.
How? I said I once had a close connection with someone...
Asshole made him change his mind about everything. They even told them what to do, and got pissed off at them when they didn't do what Asshole wanted them to do.

So... fuck you asshole.

Next time you want to fucking interfere with people's relations, please.
Die in a fire.

Thanks for fucking up what I had with that someone, and where it could have gone if I could motivate them enough.

Some people have noticed my dramatic mood swings lately, why I've been extremely happy one moment, then teary eyed the next day.
This is kind of an explanation of it all...

For some reason lately, I've felt myself less interested in everything.
The things I once loved, I started pushing away from me.
This included those who cared about me.
I don't know what triggered such a change, but it kind of took over the better of me, and made me do stupid things.
I guess I wanted something different in life?
And now with the way things are, I don't even know if I'm okay with it all...

I guess I am... for now.
For now, because I may be alright with it all for a little while, then regret everything in the future.
But what if things are better off the way they are now?
Am I better off this way, or have I made a horrible mistake?
Has my paranoia gotten the better of me once again?

I'm not even focusing at the moment in school.
My head is full of the same thoughts each day.
Because I've been so depressed, I haven't been bothered to do most of my school work, including my English outcomes.
Nothing is putting me into the mood to actually want to do something.
Neither has anything really made me that happy.
Last time I was truly happy?
Valentines day.
About that time was the last time I was happy for real.
It started feeling like anything I did after that day didn't mean anything to anyone.
I started having so much doubt in everything that I only saw the negative side of things.
I had done so much for others, and it didn't mean shit to them...
broken promise after broken promise lead me to care less about things.
Alot of things, Not only one person.
For example, the night my father cracked it at me for no reason.
I started caring less about him, and fled to someone else's house after school the next day.
I didn't want to speak to him, because he threw so much bullshit into my face.
He called me disrespectful, and started calling someone else, someone who meant so much to me, a dickhead.
So called "dickhead" was the person I spent Valentines Day with.
My feelings were hurt so badly that night...
That's where this whole downfall started.

At the moment, I'm on better terms with my father.
He's talking to me again, and that makes me feel better about myself... to an extent.
At the same time I've lost that really strong connection I had with that one person.
I can't help but think it's my fault everything happened...
But I can't keep blaming myself or anyone else for causing these things.
I haven't been crying... just thinking heavily to myself.
I can't focus in class, because the same thoughts are coming into my head over and over again.
I'm often staring out the window instead of doing classwork, thinking of those same thoughts.
Even when I look down onto my books, the same things occupy my mind.
I can still read those exact same words I wrote on my books.
Those exact same screen names together every single time.
There still there, written in pen and permanent marker.
On every page of my maths and media books.
On every single exercise book.
Even on the covers of my visual diary and school planner.
thatcreepymetalheadlovesmetalmaniacmatforeverandalways
In some cases, "...lovesandmisses..."
I even ended up writing our WoW characters names together at one point as a little joke, but never kept doing it.
Looking back on it all... You can't deny the fact that I was obsessed.
But then I go back to that question...

Am I okay with the way things are?
The real answer is "I don't know" but I'm not complaining.
I miss the way things were several weeks back, but then at the same time, they weren't really proving to me how much I meant to them.
Maybe I never made it clear enough to them how much I wanted them to do me one small favor.
All I really wanted was for them to proved to me they loved me by doing this task.

Then in the end, I just keep thinking about how much I've possibly fucked up things.
I just ended up taking things all the wrong way, assuming different things, getting everything wrong and letting things go for the worst.

I guess I'll just live on with things the way they are now...

It sucks when you become so attached to something, and then your own freaking paranoia is forcing you to stop caring.
Meh...

I've entered some sort of whirlwind of emotions lately, and I don't know what to do about anything anymore.
I want to go outside and spend at least an hour on my own,without the dog pooping every two seconds, and just have time on my own to think.
The motivation to do anything is lost...
I can't even fond much pleasure in playing World of Warcraft lately... as much as I want to get to lvl 80.

I always want to talk to someone about my emotions, but half the time I can't ever get a decent conversation with anyone besides the social worker.
I hate having to ask for people for a chat... It bugs me.
I don't like to sound like I'm bothering other people by asking.
So I just sit there, and let my emotions get the better of me...
You may even find me crying in class sometimes, because I don't know what to do about anything.
Ofcourse, you may not be able to tell, because my hair will always be covering up my face...
I sometimes wish that someone will walk up to me and ask me what's wrong, but at the same time, I wouldn't even want to talk.
It disappoints me more when a good friend whose sitting right next to me won't even spare 5 minutes to comfort me.
Instead, all they will do is socialize with others, talking about how fucking great they are.
Well guess what; they're not.
Can't even spare a moment to ask their friend what's wrong.
Why they feel this way.
Some fucking friend they are.
I never even told them my situation, and they still don't give a shit.
"Blah blah blah, because I'm so fucking great... lost my virginity... I'm so fucking awesome... all guys say this bout me."
Sometimes, I wish I could just slap them down, and tell them to get the fuck over themselves.

Ehh... I don't know what to do about anything anymore.

And once again, I have to quote this song...
I really feel like it's happening at the moment. I don't know what to do about anything.

"I'm scared I might be losing you
and I don't know which way to turn
I feel I might be losing you
I can't live my life without your love"

Sometimes I feel like "I Love You" isn't enough...
Yet what I do aswell isn't enough either...

What can you do. =[